You thought you heard every stupid Star Wars theory with obvious, click-baiting titles, but you won’t believe this fan’s amazing theory! Here are 27.6 reasons why Rey is actually the daughter of Dexter Jettster!

Image Source: Wookieepedia

*SPOILER ALERT!*

Before getting to my actual point, first I’d like to tell you a thing or two about Star Wars to establish my credibility. In case you didn’t know, Star Wars is a fairly popular film series. It features things like Jedi and wookiees and things in space. And when The Force Awakens premiered, I sat in the theater and like many others, watched it.

But like many others, I was left wondering, “Who is this Rey? Of course her importance must be defined by her relations. Never mind her character, her choices, or her actions, no—it’s got to be her parents that will tell us what she’s all about.” And I should know what I’m talking about. I saw all the episodes once, so I’m clearly a big fan.

The Theory

*drumroll* Rey is the offspring of Padmé Amidala and Dexter Jettster! Oh yes, its possible. In the galaxy far, far away there was a twisted affair that resulted in our beloved new heroine. Once you see my flawless reasoning, you too will be on your way to showing off your insider Star Wars knowledge to friends, relatives, and strangers on the bus that really wish you would shut up already.

 

Padmé

Let us begin with the simplest part of this theory. Rey is obviously Padmé’s daughter because they are both attractive, white, brown-haired females. Just look at this comparison photo; they’re even looking in the same direction! The uncanny resemblance extends to them each having eyebrows, nostrils, and conjunctivas.

Image Source: Wookieepedia

Dexter Jettster

Okay, now on to the truly mind-blowing parts of the theory. Brace yourself, my young apprentice. We first meet Dexter Jettster in Attack of the Clones when Obi-Wan seeks his help, because not only is Dexter the owner of a small Coruscanti diner, but is also the go-to expert on identifying toxic, projectile weaponry. Of course.

At first glance, he is a giant, disgusting, four-armed, bipedal creature with a wattle; not exactly what we would expect Rey’s father to look like. But let us consider that while Rey is clearly human-like in her appearance, we are not given indisputable proof that both of her parents are human, as they’re never seen!

All right, now let’s analyze Dexter’s discussion with Obi-Wan Kenobi in Attack of the Clones. Although brief, we still learn some key points that suggest his paternity.

1) Dexter owns a diner. Diners serve meals that include bread. Who do we see make bread in The Force Awakens? Rey!

2) Dexter is a friend of Obi-Wan, and it’s Obi-Wan that Rey hears in her vision!

3) Dexter has a brownish mustache and hair-tendril thingies. Rey also sports brown hair!

4) Dexter wears stained, worn, off-white clothing…just like Rey!

5) Dexter is an expert in Kaminoan darts, which is not too far removed from Rey’s mechanical expertise!

6) Dexter once prospected on Subterrel in the Outer Rim. Guess who else resides in the Outer Rim? That’s right, Rey!

7) Dexter said that Kamino could be found 12 parsecs outside the Rishi Maze, and the Millenium Falcon can do the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs, and Rey flies the Millenium Falcon!

8) And finally, Dexter’s eatery is modeled after a 1950’s diner. The 50’s were a post-World War II era. World War II was fought in part by the Japanese. The Japanese developed a martial art form called bōjutsu. Bōjutsu uses a bo staff. And Rey wields a bo staff!

The Affair

“But what about Anakin?” you ask, “Surely nothing could come between the undying devotion and chemistry that is Anakin and Padmé‘s marriage (apart from politics and petty jealousy).”

Ah, but there’s where you’re mistaken, you poor, misguided padawan! Let’s take a look at a couple of Padmé’s lines from Revenge of the Sith.

“How long is it going to take for us to be honest with each other?”

This line implies that not only has Anakin not been honest with Padmé, but that she has not been honest with Anakin as well, otherwise she would have said, “How long is it going to take for you to be honest with me?” What secrets could she be hiding? What affairs could she be concealing? What half-breed babies could she be spiriting away on remote desert planets?

“I’m not going to die in childbirth, Annie. I promise you.”

Padmé sounds very confident when she promises this to Anakin. This is probably because she already had a child with Dexter! Remember, Anakin’s been at war for the past two years, visiting only occasionally. Could there have been a nine-month gap in there? Could this lonely woman be consoling herself in the arms of a certain restaurateur?

But Wait…

“But wait just one nerf-herding second,” you say, “Padmé died 50+ years prior to the events in The Force Awakens. How could she possibly have an 18-19 year old daughter after all that time?”

I’m glad you asked, my little youngling. The answer here is actually quite obvious, when you think about it. The answer is midichlorians.

Why Jakku?

So why would the kind and generous Padmé abandon her daughter to the desert wastes of Jakku? Well, nobody could find out that Padmé had a relationship with a grizzled old prospector because, you know, she’s a senator. Senator’s can’t do anything, including dating people, as we see in Attack of the Clones.

Jakku would also be an excellent choice to send their daughter, because that Unkar Plutt, portion-distributor-guy kind of looks like Dexter sort of. He’s probably a friend of Dexter’s looking after Rey like a creepy uncle or something.

And perhaps the guilt of sending Rey to a horrible planet is why Padmé felt such a strong need to raise her next child back home on Naboo. You know, where she could set up the baby’s room…right next to the gardens…?

Other Considerations

It is interesting to note that Rey—this pale, white girl—managed to live for years on a dry, sandy desert planet with barely a tan and no skin damage. The thicker hide of Dexter’s species (Besalisks…no, I did not just look that up on Wookieepedia…) would have given his daughter’s skin some protection from the elements. It also makes sense that Rey’s vision was triggered by Luke’s lightsaber, seeing as he’s her half-brother.

So there you have it. Indisputable proof that this is what J.J. Abrams has been plotting. I bet this goes back to George Lucas. This is the crux of the whole saga.

Oh, and finally, there’s this little nugget. I don’t think I need to explain this innuendo; it speaks volumes on this guy’s sexual activity.